Dear Abby

WIFE WHO LEFT AND NEVER CAME BACK NOW TALKS OF COMING HOME

ABBY: Nine months ago, my wife, “Marie,” left to go shopping
and never came back. She took off leaving me and our three
sons, ages 12, 14 and 16, without a word. We had been
married 25 years.

We had no contact for the first three months, and she has
not helped support the kids in any way. She told no one –
including her family — that she had left. Friends would
see me in public and ask where she was.

Marie has recently started talking about coming home, but
I have mixed feelings. I asked why she left. She said she
was unhappy and tired of living a lie. What lie? Marie
refuses to elaborate.

Two of our sons don’t want her back. They felt abandoned
when she disappeared. My other son says he doesn’t care
whether she comes back or not as long as she leaves him
alone. I keep remembering the quote, “A house divided
cannot stand,” and I wonder about us. Please advise me.
– LOST IN THE BIG CITY

LOST: Under the circumstances, I’d say the feelings you
and the boys are experiencing are normal. However, all of
you need to come to terms with why your wife and their
mother walked out so abruptly. Before she returns, it is
important that you understand why she felt that leaving
the way she did was her only option.

It will take time for her relationship with the boys to
be repaired and for the two of you to rebuild trust. This
is not to say that your “house divided” cannot be
rehabilitated and even made more storm-proof than before.
But don’t kid yourselves: It will take work on the part
of everyone.

ABBY: My son-in-law, “Tony,” is very ill and probably
won’t make it. It is a terrible tragedy for our family.
He will leave behind a bereft wife and children.

During his last crisis I traveled across country to
support my daughter, “Janet.” My husband, “Doug,” isn’t
Janet’s father, and now he says he doesn’t want me going
to the funeral. He says I have spent enough time on Tony,
and my visit was a “waste of money.”

He says Janet wanting me there is a ploy — that she’s
“playing me.” Granted, she had some hard feelings when I
divorced her father and married Doug, but we have made up.
I feel I need to be at the funeral to support her.

There has been no love lost between Janet and Doug. He
does not get along with his own kids from a previous
marriage either. But should this interfere with my attending
the funeral? Doug says my going would be a betrayal to him
and has threatened divorce if I go. How should I handle this?
– TORN IN DES MOINES

DES MOINES: Although I hate to label anyone, let me point out
that by issuing an ultimatum, your husband is behaving
like a control freak. If you want this pattern to be
repeated until the day one of you dies, stay home and
don’t attend the funeral.

Let me also point out that a daughter needing all the
emotional support she can get as she buries her husband is
not a “ploy.” It’s a cry for help. Your grandchildren might
also appreciate having you close.

Your husband is behaving like a petulant child. You have
an extremely important decision to make, and it’s about a
larger issue than the funeral. Only you can decide the
right choice for you.