Dear Abby

SISTER CAN’T KNIT TOGETHER FAMILY TORN BY ITS HISTORY

ABBY: My half-brother, “Jace,” and I had a complicated
childhood. My father had an explosive temper and a disdain
for children in general. He was abusive, and our mentally
ill mother was absent during his rages.

I had my share of abuse, but it was nothing compared to
how Jace was treated. His biological father lived in
another state and rarely made contact, and my father never
formally adopted him. It left Jace with profound feelings
of abandonment.

My parents are finally divorced now. Afterward, Dad’s
behavior toward me changed dramatically. He’s no longer
abusive and is even fun to be around. However, he still
maintains a palpable distance from Jace.

Jace is an exceptional person with an outgoing personality
and a zest for life. He has two beautiful children and
one more on the way. Dad has seen the oldest only once,
and that was after I begged him for months to visit. It
saddens me, and I end up overcompensating by spoiling
Jace’s kids with gifts, even though I live 2,000 miles
away.

I know I can’t make Dad be a part of Jace’s life, but
he’s the only father Jace has ever known. Is there any
way to open Dad’s eyes? If not, how can I fill the gap?
– SADDENED SISTER IN CALIFORNIA

SISTER: Regardless of how your father’s attitude toward
you has changed, he will never get my vote for Father of
the Year. That he took out his frustrations on you and
your brother is despicable. He never accepted Jace, and
from the time he married your mother considered her son
to be excess baggage — nothing more.

You cannot force open the eyes of someone whose heart is
closed, so quit trying. You already do more than your
share to “fill the gap” as a loving aunt, but understand
that Jace’s children will never miss what they have never
known.

Fortunately, your brother seems to be emotionally
resilient. It appears he has gone on with his life. He
is married and is building a new family, which may help
him heal the abuse he suffered as a young man. However,
if he cannot let go of his feelings of abandonment, he
should consult a licensed psychotherapist because it may
take professional help to put his past to rest.

ABBY: My wife, “Mona,” and I decided to separate a few
months ago. She filed for divorce, and during the two
months cooling-off period we spent a lot of time talking
to each other. After some consideration, we reconciled.

Now that we’re back together, I have learned that Mona
sold her wedding ring to pay for some living expenses. We
discussed purchasing another one, but apparently it’s not
a top priority on her to-do list. She has also said she
doesn’t want to buy her own ring or split the cost. I
still wear mine, but feel as though I’m the only one who’s
committed to the relationship. Any thoughts?
– HAVING DOUBTS IN DALLAS

HAVING DOUBTS: I’ll give you my gut reaction. A wedding
ring does not make a marriage; love, commitment and concern
for the feelings of the other party do. That Mona got rid
of the ring so quickly tells me she was also through with
the marriage.

Who buys the next ring is the least of your worries. Listen
to your gut. It’s sending you an important message. You and
Mona are not out of the woods yet. Hie thee to a marriage
counselor.