Dear Abby

ABBY: The letter from Paw-Paw and Maw-Maw in Alabama (May
13), whose son has cut off contact with their 5-year-old
grandson to protect the boy from Grandpa’s eventual death,
left me feeling intense sorrow for all concerned.

In 1996, my grandfather was ecstatic that I was pregnant
and anxiously awaited the arrival of his triplet great-
grandchildren. At age 102, he was with us at the hospital
when they were born, and remained an integral part of
their lives until his death five years later.

We believe Grandpa’s loving involvement with the children
extended the quality and length of his life. In exchange,
the kids’ first years were blessed with the special love
and adoration of a great-grandparent.

Abby, the day Paw-Paw’s letter was published, I picked up
my now-12-year-olds from school. They told me their
writing assignment that day was an essay relating a
favorite memory. Be it serendipity, providence or
coincidence, two of the triplets had written about G.G.
(Great-Grandfather). One of the stories ended with
although G.G. is no longer with us, he will always be in
my heart.
– JAN IN ARLINGTON, TEXAS

JAN: Thank you for sharing that story. Response to Paw-
Paw’s letter was huge. Many readers wrote to describe
the importance of grandparent memories in their lives.
Read on:

ABBY: We lost my father 16 months ago after a long
illness. My small children spent two days a week with
him and my mother, and were a significant part of the
joy in his life.

We never hid his illness from them. We did just the
opposite. My son was a great help to his Nana and Pop-
Pop, bringing him lunch and helping to move the medical
equipment back and forth across the house.

I am convinced that allowing the children to be a part of
their grandfather’s life through the end of it has given
them a sense of compassion and a life skill that all of us
will need at some point in our lives. Children grieve, too,
and it is our job as parents to help them learn to cope with
life’s disappointments, not to shelter them from the realities
they will face as adults.
– NANCY IN ALLENTOWN, PA.

ABBY: As a hospice chaplain, I have worked with many
children and many levels of maturity. In my experience, it
is important to listen carefully to children and let them
self-select. If they seem comfortable or choose to be with
a family member who is passing, it is best to let them be
there. If it appears to be traumatic or they verbalize that
they don’t wish to be there, honor that as well and perhaps
find a parallel way in which they can share in the transition.
And bear in mind that the age of the child does not necessarily
indicate his/her preparedness for confronting end-of-life
issues.
— ARTHUR IN DERRY, N.H.

ABBY: Months after my granddaughter Kacie was born in 2000,
I found out I have a rare cancer. As long as the medicine I
take works, I am fine except for occasional pain. We see
Kacie every day, before and after school. I really don’t
think I would still be here if I couldn’t see her. Kacie is
the light of our lives and gives me something special to
live for.
– GRANDMOTHER IN OHIO

ABBY: When our grandfather died, my sisters and I were
upset that we didn’t get more time with him. Years later,
we found out that our parents had decided to shelter us
from his last few weeks of life. This form of protection
wound up killing Grandpa for us, before he was dead.

Please don’t do this. Allow them to spend every moment they
have left. If you have had love and laughter to the end,
you will grieve but with the knowledge that you did all you
could to honor Grandpa and preserve his memory. Regret
perpetuates itself — and my parents now realize they did
the wrong thing.
– SHEILA IN MANHASSET, N.Y.