Dear Abby

FATHER-IN-LAW EAGER TO HAVE GRANDSON NEEDS REALITY CHECK

ABBY: At 17, I learned I could never have children. I was
devastated. I thought there would never be a “happily ever
after” for me. I was wrong. I have been happily married to
a wonderful man for four years. I was honest with him about
my infertility, and it made no difference to him.

The problem is my father-in-law. Although my husband has
two sisters, he is the only son of an only son, and his
dad is always pushing the baby issue. He says things like,
“If I could only have a grandson before I die,” or, “When
are you going to get busy and have me a baby?” When I
remind him that he has a grandson, he says it doesn’t
matter. He wants one with HIS last name.

My husband thinks I should just tell his father the truth
– that I can’t have children — but I’m afraid his parents
will hate me. It has been seven years since I learned I
can’t have children, and I still feel an emptiness inside.
And just when I think I can’t feel any worse, my father-in-
law’s comments make me feel broken and useless. I could use
some advice.
– CHILDLESS IN ARKANSAS

CHILDLESS: I agree with your husband. The two of you should
have a frank talk with his parents. Explain to his father
that his comments are hurtful and why. He needs to know the
truth. If you are “hated” after that, the problem is theirs
– not yours.

P.S. Even if you could have children, there is no guarantee
that they wouldn’t all be girls. Big Daddy is overdue for a
dose of reality.

ABBY: My husband, “Fred,” has never been much of a
conversationalist, and since he stopped smoking five months
ago, his weight has ballooned. We’re both elderly and live
on a lake, so we’re quite isolated, especially during the
long winters.

Although Fred sees his doctor regularly, he’s stubborn and
I doubt that he has told his doctor everything, including
the possibility that he’s experiencing depression. He sits
by the hour and pouts.

This morning, when I tried to carry on a conversation, he
refused to look at me. Finally, I said, “Do you want me to
stop talking to you?” to which he replied, “Do whatever
you want.”

Fred has never been easy to get along with, but his pouting
is driving me crazy. I go out for lunch with friends
occasionally, but because Fred doesn’t want visitors here,
that’s my only respite. Any suggestions? I’m
… READY TO BAIL IN MINNESOTA

READY TO BAIL: If there is anything unusual about Fred’s
behavior, it should be reported to his doctor because it
could be a sign of dementia or other illness. However, if
it is just “more of the same” from this charmer you married,
perhaps you should ask yourself seriously whether you’re
better off with him or without him, and if this is how you
want to live the rest of your life.

ABBY: Why do people write messages such as “Happy Birthday”
to dead people in obituary columns in newspapers? I
comprehend the idea of memoriams, but to wish someone who
has died a happy birthday or anniversary seems ludicrous
to me. Will you point this out to your readers and comment?
– MYSTIFIED IN EASTERN MAINE

MYSTIFIED: I’m printing your letter, but I wish you would
open your heart a bit and stop being so judgmental. People
often do this because a special occasion such as a birthday
or an anniversary makes them long for the person who died.
They are still grieving over their loss and want their
loved one to be remembered.