Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, I caught my fiance cheating on me.
I was devastated. In my heart I don’t think he would do it
again, but still I find myself looking through his e-mails,
checking phone records, etc. I find myself crying hysterically
and replaying the moment I found out he was cheating over and
over again in my head. It’s driving me insane. I want to
forgive him, but I don’t think I can.

Can you please help me find a way to let go of the past and
return to the confident me?
– LIVING IN THE PAST IN PHOENIX

DEAR LIVING IN THE PAST: I wish you had written me sooner.
You and your fiance may need couples therapy. His willingness
to participate would prove that he’s willing to do everything
he can to reassure you that he won’t cheat again. It may also
help you both understand why it happened, and help you to
erase the old tapes playing in your head.

However, if this doesn’t work, accept that you should break
the engagement — because a marriage without trust is missing
the very foundation of the relationship.

DEAR ABBY: I’m 16 and know in my heart that I’m gay, even
though I’d give anything not to be. So far, I have kept this
to myself, but I don’t think I can keep it within forever.

Please tell me how you “come out.” I am worried sick about
what will happen, since my parents belong to a church that
believes homosexuality is a terrible sin.

Will my parents still love me? Will my friends reject me?
Will my sister, who I’ve always been close to, be afraid to
keep sharing a room with me?

As hard as I have tried, I can’t change the feelings I have
inside, so I know I have to deal with this, but I don’t know
what to do. Please help me.
– TORMENTED GIRL IN LOUISIANA

DEAR TORMENTED GIRL: I can only imagine the stress and anxiety
you are experiencing. My heart goes out to you.

As you clearly point out in your letter, sexual orientation
is not a choice, but something a person is born with. Not
knowing your parents or your inner circle of friends, I can’t
predict how they will react if you tell them you are gay. But
if your instincts tell you that your family will react badly,
then I advise you to wait to come out until you are out of
their house and self-supporting.

In the meantime, allow me to share two helpful resources. The
first is PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and
Gays). This organization has been around since the early 1980s,
and from it you will receive specific advice on how to deal
with your parents. Its Web site is
<A HREF=”http://www.pflag.org” TARGET=”_new” class=”abbylink”>www.pflag.org</A>
and I highly recommend it.

The second is the Trevor Helpline, a nationwide, 24-hour
crisis helpline for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and
questioning young people. Its toll-free number is
(866) 488-7386. You can find out more by going to
<A HREF=”http://www.thetrevorproject.org” TARGET=”_new” class=”abbylink”>www.thetrevorproject.org</A>.

DEAR ABBY: Six years ago my 16-year-old daughter was killed
by a drunk driver. Just the other day I found some thank-you
cards I thought I had sent. I also know that at the end I
just couldn’t write any more thank yous because of my grief.
Should I mail the cards after all this time?
– STILL WONDERING IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR STILL WONDERING: Yes, you should. But when you do,
include a short note explaining exactly what you have said
to me. People who love and care about you will understand.