DEAR CREATURE: In my opinion it is, but because your
boyfriend doesn’t agree with you, you DO have a problem.
Getting enough sleep is important for maintaining one’s
health, and studies show that people aren’t getting enough
of it these days. Try explaining this to him, along with
the fact that intimacy is what happens BEFORE you hit the
sheets.

However, if he still doesn’t get it, then he will have to
decide whether your virtues outweigh your “idiosyncrasy.”
(Believe me, I’ve heard worse.)

DEAR ABBY: My darling husband, “Darren,” and I are soul
mates, yet he has asked me for a divorce. He says it’s not
because he doesn’t love me, but because he does.

Abby, we may be facing bankruptcy. Darren doesn’t want to
drag me and my credit down. He doesn’t want to leave, and
thinks that after we divorce our life can go on as it has
been — although on paper we’ll no longer be husband and
wife.

My first thought was, No! We are husband and wife. I MEANT
“for richer or poorer.” We’re in our 50s, and Darren says
he is looking out for my future.

I am committed to my marriage and believe we’re in this
financial situation together. I didn’t marry Darren for his
money, and I certainly don’t want to divorce him over money.

Darren swears this isn’t an excuse to get out of our marriage.
He says we can be married again as soon as we’re back on our
feet. Am I wrong about this, Abby? Should I “suspend” our
marriage? It’s breaking my heart to even consider it.
– IN TEARS IN TUCSON

DEAR IN TEARS: Dry your tears and make an appointment for
you and Darren to consult your CPA. Your husband is either
misguided, or he MAY be making an excuse to get out of the
marriage.

Because the bills were run up during your marriage, divorce
may not relieve you from liability. Of course, laws vary from
state to state, however, it may be possible for your husband
to file bankruptcy on his own. Furthermore, there needs to be
a reason for divorce, and there are penalties for making
false statements. So I don’t recommend it.

DEAR ABBY: I am being married this year and have an etiquette
question. A close family member was recently arrested and
will be in jail at the time my wedding takes place. Because
of our close relationship, I would like to invite him, but
I’m worried that to do so would be considered more offensive
than not inviting him, as he will obviously not be able to
attend. What do you think?
– TRYING TO BE KIND IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR TRYING TO BE KIND: Because of the circumstances, write
your family member a letter telling him that you are being
married, that you love him, and you will be thinking of him
on your wedding day. My feeling is sending a formal invitation
would make him feel even more isolated and left out than he
already does.

To receive a collection of Abby’s most memorable — and most
frequently requested — poems and essays, send a business-
sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order
for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby — Keepers Booklet, P.O.
Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included
in the price.)

Can you please help me find a way to let go of the past and
return to the confident me?
– LIVING IN THE PAST IN PHOENIX

DEAR LIVING IN THE PAST: I wish you had written me sooner.
You and your fiance may need couples therapy. His willingness
to participate would prove that he’s willing to do everything
he can to reassure you that he won’t cheat again. It may also
help you both understand why it happened, and help you to
erase the old tapes playing in your head.

However, if this doesn’t work, accept that you should break
the engagement — because a marriage without trust is missing
the very foundation of the relationship.

DEAR ABBY: I’m 16 and know in my heart that I’m gay, even
though I’d give anything not to be. So far, I have kept this
to myself, but I don’t think I can keep it within forever.

Please tell me how you “come out.” I am worried sick about
what will happen, since my parents belong to a church that
believes homosexuality is a terrible sin.

Will my parents still love me? Will my friends reject me?
Will my sister, who I’ve always been close to, be afraid to
keep sharing a room with me?

As hard as I have tried, I can’t change the feelings I have
inside, so I know I have to deal with this, but I don’t know
what to do. Please help me.
– TORMENTED GIRL IN LOUISIANA

DEAR TORMENTED GIRL: I can only imagine the stress and anxiety
you are experiencing. My heart goes out to you.

As you clearly point out in your letter, sexual orientation
is not a choice, but something a person is born with. Not
knowing your parents or your inner circle of friends, I can’t
predict how they will react if you tell them you are gay. But
if your instincts tell you that your family will react badly,
then I advise you to wait to come out until you are out of
their house and self-supporting.

In the meantime, allow me to share two helpful resources. The
first is PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and
Gays). This organization has been around since the early 1980s,
and from it you will receive specific advice on how to deal
with your parents. Its Web site is
<A HREF=”http://www.pflag.org” TARGET=”_new” class=”abbylink”>www.pflag.org</A>
and I highly recommend it.

The second is the Trevor Helpline, a nationwide, 24-hour
crisis helpline for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and
questioning young people. Its toll-free number is
(866) 488-7386. You can find out more by going to
<A HREF=”http://www.thetrevorproject.org” TARGET=”_new” class=”abbylink”>www.thetrevorproject.org</A>.

DEAR ABBY: Six years ago my 16-year-old daughter was killed
by a drunk driver. Just the other day I found some thank-you
cards I thought I had sent. I also know that at the end I
just couldn’t write any more thank yous because of my grief.
Should I mail the cards after all this time?
– STILL WONDERING IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR STILL WONDERING: Yes, you should. But when you do,
include a short note explaining exactly what you have said
to me. People who love and care about you will understand.

I have been in that position, but my situation went beyond
hurtful words. At the time, I was in a great deal of emotional
pain and was devastated because I trusted the people involved.
I struggled with forgiving them, and I am happy to say that I
recently did.

Through the process, I learned two important lessons: First,
forgiveness has everything to do with me and very little to
do with the offender. By letting go of the hurt, I freed
myself from the emotional bondage I was in.

The second lesson I learned was that forgiveness does not
mean reconciliation. When you lose trust in someone, it takes
time to regain it. Sometimes the damage can never fully be
repaired.
– BEEN THERE IN SPRINGFIELD, MASS.

DEAR BEEN THERE: Thank you for sharing what you learned. I
told “Perplexed” that even though her friend no longer holds
a grudge, she may consider “Perplexed” too dangerous to
allow back in her life. Readers agreed with my advice that
“Perplexed” watch what she says in anger in the future and
cited their own experiences. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: One of my best friends and I had a falling-out
some time ago due to a misunderstanding (I’ll spare you the
details). It was very painful for both of us.

She cut off contact with me first, and it was devastating.
Despite my efforts, she apparently needed time to gather her
thoughts and feelings. After a year and a half she called
me, apologized and said she hoped we could pick up where we
had left off. The problem is: I can’t. I was hurt to the core.

I still stay in touch with her, but my heart is no longer
where it was. Although I miss her, I still resent her
misjudgment of my loyalty. Forgiveness has many levels, and
one level may be that of closure.
– NOT THE SAME IN THE EAST

DEAR ABBY: It is interesting that after saying terrible
things to her friend, “Perplexed” did not apologize for
several weeks, waited for her ex-friend to contact her, and
apologized only after being informed by the friend that she
was ending the friendship. The apology was self-serving,
given only to convince her friend not to dump her. Why didn’t
she call immediately after realizing that what she said was
awful?

In addition, her apology was in writing, instead of on the
phone or in person, to avoid the discomfort of facing her
friend. The message this reluctant apology sends is that she
was never going to apologize unless and until she stood to
lose something.

I see no true remorse — only indignation that her friend is
not “forgiving” her correctly. Some people need to learn what
a proper apology is.
– SEEN IT ALL BEFORE IN UPSTATE N.Y.

DEAR ABBY: Perhaps this example will help “Perplexed” better
understand why the friend to whom she said hurtful words
couldn’t forgive and forget: Take a jar of nails and hammer
them into a wooden fence. Imagine that each and every nail
is a cruel or unkind word. Now remove each nail one by one,
apologizing each time you do. When you are done, stand back
and look at the fence. The nails are gone, but the holes
remain. Cruel words can leave wounds that no amount of
apology can fully erase.
– LIVING BY THAT EXAMPLE IN CALIF.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting
along with peers and parents is in “What Every Teen Should
Know.” To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed
envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to:
Dear Abby — Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL
61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

Vinny told me he has developed feelings for me, too, but
that he wants to have children of his own someday. I respect
and understand his honesty. He also said he was scared, and
that in the past, when he has felt he was getting too close
to someone, he would pull away. That suggests to me that he
is commitment-phobic.

My problem is, Vinny continues to call me several times a
day and every night before he goes to bed — although we
have not been spending as much time together as we have in
the past. Am I wasting my time? Should I start dating other
people? I care a lot about Vinny and would like to be with
him.
– BEWILDERED IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR BEWILDERED: Frankly, the questions you are asking me
should be directed to Vinny during one of your daily or
nightly conversations. If he’s serious about wanting children
of his own and you are not interested in having more, that
could present a serious problem. If you ARE interested, then
there is also the issue of your biological clock.

That said, you and Vinny have known each other only three
months. You may have been premature in asking him to declare
his intentions so quickly. However, if you weren’t on his
mind, you wouldn’t still be hearing from him. And if he is
interested in playing the field, then so should you.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend, “Jade,” and I went to college
together and now, years later, we live in different parts
of the country. She just married a man (”Paul”) with whom
she is deeply in love, and I am happy for her. At the same
time, though, I feel sadness because I do not like Paul.
He is cold and curt with me, and seems to be devoid of per-
sonality. I feel uncomfortable in his presence.

Because we always stay at each other’s homes when we visit,
going to see Jade now, of course, means having to be around
her husband — and I dread such a trip. If I tell her I don’t
like Paul, you can imagine how upset she’ll be. Should I
simply announce that from here on out I’ll be staying at a
hotel when I come to visit?
– LOVES HER, NOT HIM

DEAR LOVES HER: By all means. Your visits will no longer be
two college friends getting together because a third person
has been added to the mix. From your description of Paul’s
behavior, he isn’t particularly comfortable around you
either. And if Jade should give you an argument — as she
may — that’s the way you should explain it to her.

DEAR ABBY: I frequently dine out for business meetings. What
is the proper way to react when someone asks you a question
and you have just taken a bite of food or are in mid-chew? I
feel I must acknowledge them, but I don’t want to talk with
my mouth full.
– FOOD FOR THOUGHT, FORT COLLINS, COLO.

DEAR F.F.T.: Hold one hand up, palm outward. Continue chewing
and swallow your food. Point out that the person “caught you
with your mouth full,” and then answer the question.

Good advice for everyone — teens to seniors — is in “The
Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It.” To order, send
a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money
order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet,
P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is
included.)

I happen to agree wholeheartedly with “Daughter’s” senti-
ments, as do many other members of my church. We feel that
the moment is manipulated, interrupts the flow of the ser-
vice and creates a false bonhomie.

None of us is unfriendly, ungracious or reluctant to make
others feel welcome in our church. But we would prefer to
do it spontaneously — before or after the service — when
we actually feel moved to make the gesture.
– LYN IN CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA.

DEAR LYN: I understand your sentiments. That said, I stand
by my answer. I told “Minister’s Daughter” that I didn’t
think it was too much to ask to reach out for a moment to
ensure that everyone felt included. However, I received a
ton of mail on this subject and opinions were decidedly mixed.

DEAR ABBY: When I attended church with my husband and family,
I never cared for the forced greeting custom. However, now
that I am divorced and attend church alone, I realize that
the human contact is priceless.

One Sunday, our minister said, “Turn to the people next to
you and tell them they are beautiful.” I turned, and the
woman next to me said, “Hello. Has anyone told you that you
are beautiful?” Even though it was a “forced” greeting, it
touched my heart. Speaking as someone who lives alone and
who never hears those words, it brightened my day. The
greeting, like the church and life, is not about what you
get, but about what you give to someone else.
– GREETER WITH A NEW ATTITUDE

DEAR ABBY: We started this type of greeting years ago, and
I also think more people don’t like it. I hate it when
people cover their face with their hand when they cough or
sneeze and then offer a handshake. We all know that colds
and flu are transmitted this way.

After hearing complaints, our pastor now asks that we offer
a “sign of peace.” I much prefer this, and I offer a smile
and say, “La paix du Seigneur” (God’s peace be with you).
However, I never refuse a handshake if one is offered.
– ANDREE IN OTTAWA

DEAR ABBY: Before receiving disability insurance, I was a
homeless man. Many times, the only thing that kept me from
committing suicide was the opportunity to enter a local
church for a few minutes of worship and the reminder that I
was still part of the human race.

All too often, my appearance and status were enough to turn
most people away. But those who truly walked in the love of
God reached out to me with open arms and hearts. And they
weren’t afraid of catching some unknown disease that living
on the streets might produce. In this fragmented society,
even “lepers” need love.
– ART IN ABILENE

DEAR ABBY: If the intent of this practice is to make new-
comers feel like part of the group, then it is counterpro-
ductive. A better way would be for the pastor to encourage
gregarious members of the congregation to greet new people
after the service. If it is for those worshippers who are
already well-acquainted to greet each other in a structured
manner, then it is unnecessary.
– WASHINGTON STATE BOOMER

DEAR ABBY: A message to “Minister’s Daughter”: If you intend
to go to heaven, GET USED TO IT. Everyone in heaven greets
you. You may be so relieved you made it through the Pearly
Gates that you’ll be happy to spread a few germs.
– “GRAN” IN LAKELAND, FLA.

I disagree. A girlfriend is not the same — mainly because
Melissa won’t end up getting pregnant after spending the
night with a girl. What do you think?
– MOM IN ST. PETERSBURG, FLA.

DEAR MOM: If Melissa is romantically attracted to a par-
ticular girl, your husband has a valid point. However, he
is mistaken if he thinks that because Melissa is bisexual
she is attracted to EVERY female she meets. That is no more
true than the idea that heterosexual individuals are sexu-
ally attracted to EVERY member of the opposite sex. When it
comes to friendships, most are platonic — and you and your
husband should keep that in mind before deciding whether or
not to allow your daughter to participate in sleepovers.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, “Donald,” and I are retired. He
attends social meetings about four times a month. Food is
served at these meetings, and he usually brings part of the
meal home. Then he announces that the food is “his” and
that I shouldn’t eat any.

Abby, his “take-home” will stay in the refrigerator for a
day or so, and I have to see it every time I open the door.
It often looks delicious — not the kind of thing we usually
have for meals at home. Don will then eat it in front of me,
and it kills me that he won’t share.

I have tried telling my husband that he should share his
food, but it throws him into a rage. He claims the food is
his because it was part of a meal he didn’t finish and
brought home to eat.

I’d like your opinion because I consider this cruel. Who’s
right?
– JAYNE IN MIAMI

DEAR JAYNE: You are, and I can see how your husband’s
behavior is hard to swallow. His actions are not only selfish
but also intimidating. People who won’t share food are
usually selfish about other things as well.

Allow me to share a bit of advice: On the nights when your
husband is socializing, make some plans with some of your
women friends. Because you’re not getting your treats at
home, get them elsewhere.

DEAR ABBY: As the years have passed, my brown hair has
slowly been replaced by threads of silver. Friends and
relatives have teased me about it. I don’t let their remarks
bother me, but certain individuals do irritate me with their
remarks. So I came up with a comeback to address their
comments.

I tell them with a smile that each of my white hairs repre-
sents a “seed of wisdom” in my “field” of knowledge. I love
seeing their expressions when I say this. Perhaps this will
help other seniors. What do you think, Abby?
– R.J.P. IN MAINE

DEAR R.J.P: The decision to color one’s hair — or not — is
a personal one. Some people prefer to let nature take its
course while others would rather “curl up and dye” than show
any gray. I respect not only your refusal to be “teased” into
doing something you don’t want to do, but also that you do
it with humor.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order
“How to Have a Lovely Wedding.” Send a business-size, self-
addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S.
funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447,
Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

My problem is although I have a stable, high-paying job and
am ready for marriage and children, Felix is not. He has
given me the distinct impression that he has no plans to
marry me for at least two years — until he finds a higher-
paying job and can support himself instead of depending on
me.

I feel awkward not knowing when — or if — Felix will pro-
pose. I now realize that I acted too soon in encouraging us
to live together. I don’t know if I should just accept our
living situation or ask him to move out until he’s ready for
marriage. How should I approach this without making him think
I no longer love him?
– TOO QUICK IN SAN JOSE

DEAR TOO QUICK: You and Felix need to have a loving — but
frank — conversation. I respect the fact that he doesn’t
want to be married until he is in a stronger financial pos-
ition. And I also respect the fact that you don’t want to
just live together indefinitely.

A lot can happen in two years. People’s goals can change,
they can meet others and their careers can separate them.
It appears that you and Felix may suffer from a case of bad
timing. It is important that both of you be free to grow in
your own ways.

While this might seem sad, it does not mean that you do not
care for each other, or that you won’t wind up together.
But for now, some separation would be the healthiest thing
for both of you. If your relationship is meant to be, his
moving out won’t kill it.

DEAR ABBY: Our neighbors are taking advantage of us. They
go on five vacations a year and expect us to watch their cat
and house — for no pay. This includes shoveling snow, water-
ing plants and flowers, mowing their lawn, getting their mail
and feeding their cat, along with litter box duty. They
insist that “Princess” be checked on twice a day.

My husband and I work full-time and have three small chil-
dren. We have told our neighbors how busy we are, but they
still expect it of us. They don’t even ask nicely. They’ll
say, “We’re going to be gone for a week and will need you to
take care of our place.”

They’re an older couple and generally good neighbors, but we
feel that if they can afford to take all these trips, they
can also afford to pay us. They do bring us trinkets from
their travels, but we could really use the money. They have
no children or other close neighbors.

What should we do? Please hurry because they have another
trip coming up.
– POOPED-OUT PET SITTERS

DEAR POOPED OUT: Start checking around to see what profes-
sional house and pet sitters are charging for their serv-
ices in your area. Then have a frank chat with these neigh-
bors and inform them what the going rate is, and that rather
than trinkets you could use the money. If they’re smart,
they’ll compensate you because you have already proven that
you are honest and reliable as well as close by.

To receive a collection of Abby’s most memorable — and most
frequently requested — poems and essays, send a business-
sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order
for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby — Keepers Booklet, P.O.
Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included
in the price.)

The problem? My sons don’t like to play with Adam anymore.
They say he cries and storms out when he doesn’t get his way.
I have observed this behavior myself. His mom has commented
on it to me, but doesn’t know what to do about it.

How can I tell my good friend that my kids don’t want to
play with her son anymore? CAN I tell her? My sons have
“sucked it up” several times now so I could visit with her,
but I don’t think it’s fair to keep asking them to do that.
My boys get along nicely with their other friends and would
rather play with them. Is there any way to solve this?
– BAFFLED IN CHARLOTTE

DEAR BAFFLED: It would be a kindness to tell Adam’s mother
that it’s time to do something she should have done years
ago — better late than never: explain to her son the effect
his behavior has on other kids, and that if it continues he
will have no friends to play with.

The boy is old enough to understand plain English, and also
cause and effect. If there is a father anywhere in the pic-
ture, he should also talk to his son.

Adam should also be warned by his mother that if he pulls
that nonsense again with your boys, he won’t be invited back.
Then he should be given one more chance to participate at an
appropriate age level and not a 2-year-old’s.

DEAR ABBY: My older sister, “Iris,” has suffered from depres-
sion for years, partly due to the success I have achieved in
my life. I have traveled internationally, received scholar-
ships, and now at 26, have a well-paying job and a loving
husband.

Iris dropped out of college twice, works a minimum-wage job
and has never had a boyfriend. I never brag about any of my
achievements, but we talk on the phone often and she knows
everything that’s going on in my life.

My sister has never openly displayed any jealousy or resent-
ment, but our mother has confided to me that Iris has been
taking antidepressants for years and feels that she has never
accomplished anything “great.”

I have now learned that I’m expecting my first child. I’m
afraid that when Iris finds out, she may be devastated. How
can I tell her without sending her into a deeper depression,
and how can I enjoy the good things that happen to me with-
out feeling guilty about my sister?
– GUILTY ACHIEVER IN CANADA

DEAR GUILTY ACHIEVER: A step in the right direction would be
for you to do some reading about chronic depression, so you
can understand that your achievements did not cause your
sister’s problem. She is taking antidepressants to help her
regulate a chemical imbalance in her brain that, apparently,
she has been trying to cope with for many years — which
would explain why she had difficulty with personal relation-
ships and her studies. If she’s not already receiving it,
psychotherapy — in addition to her medications — could
help her.

The time has come to stop feeling guilty for your blessings.
Tell your sister about the baby and let her share your
happiness until she’s well enough to find it on her own.
It could help with her healing.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist
and a more attractive person, order “How to Be Popular.”
Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or
money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity
Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage
is included.)

I have successfully managed to evade Stephie’s questions
about my past and got away with it until recently. She keeps
asking me about the scars on my body. (I was physically
abused by my parents when I was a child.) Regrettably, I
lied to her about the nature of the scars.

Stephie wants to be married and start a family, and so do I.
She wants her kids to have a great dad, and I think I can be
a very good parent. I would never do to my kids what was
done to me.

On the one hand, I want an open, honest relationship with
her. On the other, I’m afraid if I tell her the truth she
will leave me, and I’ll spiral into another five-year depres-
sion I may not be able to escape from.

My parents are both dead now, so I could continue to lie
without Stephie ever knowing. But I get the feeling she
doesn’t entirely believe what I’ve been telling her. What
should I do? — SURVIVOR IN OHIO

DEAR SURVIVOR: Because you are discussing a future together,
it’s time to level with Stephie about everything. That you
would not want to discuss this painful subject at the begin-
ning of a relationship is understandable. But please do not
continue the deception.

You should also explain to Stephie about your period of
clinical depression. If she’s going to marry you, she has a
right to know your medical history.

Yes, telling her may be risky. However, if she loves you,
she will accept you just the way you are. And if she isn’t
up to the challenge, it’s better to find out now before
becoming any more involved.

P.S. If you feel that a breakup could trigger another round
of depression, it is important that you talk to a psychother-
apist NOW. The abuse you suffered in childhood may have left
emotional scars as lasting as the physical ones, but with
therapy you may be able to heal.

DEAR ABBY: I’m not sure how to react to something a friend
of mine recently told me. We have known “Lois” and her hus-
band for more than 30 years. They no longer live in this
city, but visit occasionally. When they do, we always invite
them to stay in our home.

On their last visit, Lois was talking about her only child,
“Deidre,” whom I have always liked. Lois, out of the blue,
began chuckling and then told me that Deidre does a good
imitation of me. Lois sat there giggling for a few minutes,
then said that Deidre sounded almost as much like me as I
do. I made no comment.

Frankly, I was taken aback that someone would do an imitation
of me. I got the impression that Deidre has been doing my
“act” for a while, and I found it disturbing. My husband says
it’s a form of flattery, but I think it’s demeaning. I also
think impersonating someone for the amusement of others –
especially if the person is not around — is rude. What do
you think?
– JOKE’S ON ME IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR J.O.M.: I think you should have asked your friend Lois
to clarify her remark at the time she made it. But because
you didn’t, bring it up the next time you talk to her and
let her explain what was so funny.

Personally, I think such imitations are often a form of
ridicule and are unkind.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting
along with peers and parents is in “What Every Teen Should
Know.” To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed
envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to:
Dear Abby — Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL
61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

Rayleen has always had a thing for older men, but this time
she has just gone too far. I know my husband loves me and
would never believe her, but I’m not sure how to tell my
cousin to stop. I don’t want to be mean, but she can’t have
him.
– FURIOUS IN ALABAMA

DEAR FURIOUS: It appears that no one ever taught your
hormonal cousin that there are boundaries that should not
be crossed. You should not be the person telling Rayleen
to cool off and face reality. That message should come from
your husband, as he tells her to stop calling and stop
writing nasty letters because he already has a real woman
– his wife.

P.S. And the letter should be turned over to Rayleen’s mother
because right now your cousin needs some parenting a lot
worse than she needs a man.

DEAR ABBY: I’m a 23-year-old guy who, due to money problems,
credit card bills and student loans, recently moved back with
my parents. Before I moved in they made me agree to a written
contract that included no drinking, no smoking of any kind,
a midnight curfew, getting a job and stating that once I move
out I can’t move back in again.

I get what they’re trying to do, but I feel like they are
treating me like a child. I only agreed to the terms because
I was desperate.

I have abided by all the rules, but they still are suspicious
of me breaking the contract after five months under their
roof. I want to move out, but I am still unable to do so. What
can I do to make this situation better?
– DESPERATE IN ARIZONA

DEAR DESPERATE: Your parents may have insisted on the
stipulations of the contract because of something that
happened before you first moved out on your own. Because
they feel strongly about drinking, smoking and the curfew,
the best advice I can offer is to obey the rules, avoid
arguments and save your money until you can earn enough to
become independent again.

DEAR ABBY: With the economic problems so many people are
having, I thought I’d share a holiday gift suggestion with
you.

Years ago, I realized my nephew was receiving more toys than
he could ever enjoy, so I gave him a Christmas ornament
instead. He was only 5 or 6 at the time, so I’m not sure he
really appreciated it then. However, as more nieces and
nephews came along, I continued the tradition of giving them
ornaments.

They all grew to treasure their personal ornaments and took
great delight in having something of their own to hang on
the tree each year.
– DAVID S. IN MINNEAPOLIS

DEAR DAVID S.: Thank you for sharing a wonderful idea. I’m
sure that now your nieces and nephews are grown, hanging
those ornaments on their own trees has special significance.

I knew a woman years ago who used to craft gorgeous Christmas
tree ornaments using Styrofoam balls decorated with ribbons,
sequins and beads. They were special not only because of the
love and work she put into them, but also because they were
entirely unique.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two
booklets: “Abby’s Favorite Recipes” and “More Favorite
Recipes by Dear Abby.” Send a business-size, self-addressed
envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby — Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris,
IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)